Spouses of Veterans

A combat vet?


Women Who Love Vets, The Greatest Numerical Casualty Statistic of the Vietnam War

Dr. Oscar Ramirez


John Godfrey Saxe wrote a poem in the 18th century about six blind men from Indostan who were each trying to describe an elephant to the five other blind men. Each blind man approached the elephant from a different angle and each one left with a different perception of the elephant. The first touched the elephant's side and declared the elephant was like a wall. The second touched the tusk and declared that an elephant is like a spear. The third grasped the squirming trunk and declared an elephant to be like a snake. And so it went, each blind man "disputing loud and long, / each in his own opinion, / exceeding stiff and strong / Though each was partly in the right, / and all were in the wrong!


And so it seems with everyone who comes in contact with a traumatized vet. Each tries to describe what they think is wrong with the unruly vet, yet having never been where he has been, nor experienced what he had experienced, they are limited in what they are able to see and understand, blind to the enormity and complexity of the creature they are observing. Every observer has a different concept, cognitively linked to what they are already familiar with, a wall, a spear, a snake, as the six blind men from Indostan. Only one who has "been there, done that" can fully appreciate the vet.


A tunnel rat from Vietnam once told me, "If you haven't been there, there are no words that can describe it. If you have been there, then no words are necessary." This explains why two vets who have never met each other can enter a room with many other people in it, instinctively and respectfully gravitate towards each other, and with just a nod of acknowledgment, instantly understand each other even better than their own wives do. They can have instant rapport as if they had been longtime friends even though they have never met before that moment.


Enter the wife into the picture. Each wife of a traumatized vet has seen aspects of the man that seem so different that it gives new meaning and dimension to the word "confusing." In their husband, they have seen the fear and trembling of a very scared little boy and have also seen that same man capable of some of the cruelest forms of physical emotional violence. In one instant, they may see the tenderness of a man deep in thought, touched with compassion to the point of tears, and a few minutes later see him as cold and emotionless as a trained killer.


The symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder are so diverse, they they are classed not as a group of symptoms, nor even clusters of symptoms. So diverse and broad in scope, they are technically classified as "Constellations of Symptoms," (see checklist for PTSD symptoms). This is a description ofthe beast we call PTSD. Notice I am not saying that the vet is a beast, but that this symptoms are so complex, that we are as blind men trying to describe something that is unlike anything we have ever experienced before. Something that is so confusing that it almost seems to defy definition ... to everyone that is, except to another vet. Another vet not only knows, he understands!


Statistics That the Wife of Every Vet Should Know


  • The suicide rate of Vietnam-era vets is 86 percent higher than their peer group. Seventy percent of fatal one-car accidents have been Vietnam veterans.
  • 50-70 percent of veterans have drug and alcohol abuse problems.
  • The divorce rate for Vietnam veterans is double that of the general population. More than one out of every three marriages (38 percent) of Vietnam veterans broke up within only six months after coming home from Vietnam. Among combat veterans, 80 to 90 percent have been divorced; most have been divorced several times. This means that two to three times as many more women have suffered the secondary effects of PTSD. If the number of nonmarital and extramarital relationships broken off by veterans were to be included in the above figure, the number of women indirectly affected by PTSD could be considered the greatest numerical statistic of the Vietnam War.

The vet affects his family. The Bible says that we each reproduce after our own kind, and when a woman lives with a man who has become dysfunctional, she in turn becomes dysfunctional. Over time, these are some of the things she experiences:


What Wives of Vets Experience


Wives Experience Fear:


  • Fear of the next time the vet has another fit of rage or another flashback.
  • Fear that the vet will someday leave and abandon her and the family and never come back.
  • Fear of what might happen to the vet when he is not home, and fears when he is home as well.
  • Fear of impending financial disaster because of vet's unstable job history and mounting bills.
  • Fear that sexual problems may be her own fault.
  • Fear of "middle-of-the-night surprises.
  • Fear that "if just one more thing happens, I'll lose my mind."

Wives Experience Guilt:


  • Guilt for having married a vet as well as guilt for having thoughts of leaving him.
  • Sorrow for putting the children through the trauma.
  • Feeling that "it's my fault, if I were a better wife, he would be different."
  • Guilt for spending money on themselves.
  • Guilt for jut having fun.
  • Guilt of an extramarital affair because of a need for intimacy.
  • Guilt for just about everything.

Wives Experience Depression:


  • Sense of helplessness and hopelessness: "Tired of trying." Sets self up for disappointment.
  • Low self esteem - compulsive perfectionism, or the other extreme, poor appearance, dirty home.

Wives Experience Rejection:


  • Feeling unable to be truly intimate with the vet.
  • Feeling rejected by him. She sees the inability of the vet to share his emotions with her as rejection of her.
  • Feeling rejected by friends who no longer come around; feeling rejected by the community because of lack of community support or social interaction.

Isolation / Alienation:


  • Vet's family may have few friends or being unable to relate to friends as they would like to because vet has alienated them with his attitude or actions in the past.
  • The few friends or family that the wife does have are tired of hearing about her troubles with the vet and tell her to get rid of him.
  • Wife may escape into fantasy world or romantic fiction, TV, thoughts of affairs, compulsive buying, etc.

Wives Experience Insecurity:


  • May lean on children, friends, or others too heavily for emotional support.
  • Continually manipulate the veteran and/or circumstances in order to be in control in a situation that is clearly out of control.
  • Experience constant tension and anxiety because she never "knows what he'll do next."
  • Feel tremendous anxiety because of financial insecurity.

Wives Experience Denial:


  • Denies that she or the children have problems: "After all, in spite of the circumstances, look how well I keep it together!"
  • Denial that spouse has a problem or totally blames vet for all the problems.
  • Denial that God or anyone else can help her husband or her family: "We have already tried everything and nothing has worked!"

So ... Where Do We Go From Here?


You may have heard that PTSD is incurable. Well, perhaps we all must live with the consequences of our past choices and experiences, but it does not necessarily follow that we are doomed to an unbearable home environment because of those past experiences.


When other means have failed in reducing or even recognizing the symptoms of PTSD, vets and their families have sought and received help through non-traditional therapies such as is offered by Crossfire. What is so unique about Crossfire?


What is so Unique About Crossfire?


Crossfire takes an approach that deals with the moral and spiritual aspects of man. Secular psychiatrists and psychologists by their very definition have chosen to ignore the reality of the spiritual dimension of man, and in so doing, they have overlooked the only resource that can achieve lasting results. The traumatic experiences encountered by the Biblical character of Job is a classic example of how a man, with the help of God, can survive horrific trauma. King David was a warrior whose "hands were stained with the blood of war," who was guilty of murder, conspiracy to commit murder, adultery, and many other crimes. Yet he was later declared to be "a man after God's own heart."


We believe that the traumatic experiences of war, because of their very nature, have serious impact upon the conscience and the spirit of man, and that man will not be alleviated of the symptoms until those issues are addressed within a spiritual context.


Peace on earth, which is so elusive to men of war, can be achieved only through knowing The Prince of Peace, Jesus the Messiah.


1. Crossfire has been teaching its support group leaders how to deal with the guilt that vets and their wives carry. These feelings of guilt can be removed by the same means that God has always used to remove real guilt of sin or even imagined or perceived guilt. It is by the guilt-removing blood of God's own Son, severely traumatized and put to death for our transgressions (Isaiah 53:3-6; John 3:15-18).


2. Crossfire teaches vets and their wives how to deal with the overwhelming rejection that they experience in so many ways. It is by gaining a deeper understanding that we are accepted in Christ (Ephsians 1:6); accepted for who we are, not what we have done or failed to do (Ephesians 2:8-9).


3. Crossfire teaches vets and their wives to deal with the identity crisis that people under stress experience. It is by gentle guidance to the new identity that is in Crist (I John 3:2; Romans 8:29; 1 Peter 2:5,9).


4. Crossfire wants every wife of a vet to have a brand new husband, (not to replace their husband), allowing God to change the man so dramatically that he will actually become a new creation (2 Corinthans 5:17-21).


5. Crossfire wants to teach vets and their wives how to decrease in their old ways so that the very nature and character of Christ can increase and manifest from the inside out (John 3:30; Philippians 3:8-10).


6. In some ways, the ministry of Crossfire can be said to be a hospice ministry, teaching men and women to let go of their past, die unto their old identity, and grow into the image of Christ. Unless a seed of grain fall to the ground and die, it cannot bear fruit (John 12:24).


God is able to undo what we vets have done to our wives. God can recreate a fresh new environment in which to learn and grow. God wants to transform men and women into a different kind of army, with different kinds of weapons. God has never failed yet - why not come to Crossfire and see what God can do for you?


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